I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
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Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
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Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Shame - the story of my life.
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