Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
All the doctor said was why
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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