why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
ugly people sure do ruin things
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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