we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I don't deserve a penis
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
