Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
