There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
