my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
