Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
