Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.