so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
