Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN