I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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