My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
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you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
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Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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