turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
there was a trapeze. enough said
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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