I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
