I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
