i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
