he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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