he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
