it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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