i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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