last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
