She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
