Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
