You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
