I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So many bounce houses so little time
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
