I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
