they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
