i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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