shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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