i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
