Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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