Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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