I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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