the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
