I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
