were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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