Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
