I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I wear drunk well.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
