Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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