Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
