tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
