This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Four minutes until I can fart!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
