I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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