Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
