I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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