my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
