well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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