some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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