When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
