i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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