apparently the secret to your success is patron
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
