Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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