hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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