I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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