Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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