She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
