Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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